The Bikini

The bikini in question is from River Island (https://www.riverisland.com/women), of course. It is pink, which is not surprising, ribbed and that’s pretty much it. It’s really simple. I’ll get it in a size 10 because I need to stop worrying about sizes and more on how the clothes or lack of clothes fit. My bridesmaid dress is a size 6, mainly because it is loose around my bum. I am feeling better about myself today. Just because I have fat doesn’t mean I am fat, I also have fingernails doesn’t make me a fingernail.

“Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.
I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…
I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’
‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’
What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!
I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”
J.K. Rowling

This is kinda harsh but it’s coming from J.K. Rowling so she can say what she wants. It’s also very true, maybe not the bit about “empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones” but then again maybe it is, well for me anyway. I’m thinking about starting my own business but I’m also thinking about the best time to fit the gym in with that routine. Now with the condition I’ve got, the more active I am the better and the stronger I am the less my joints weaken and hurt. But if I sat here and told you that was the reason I went to the gym that would be a lie. I go to the gym because I don’t like what I see in the mirror and yes it’s for me, not for anyone else, at least that’s what I thought. But maybe I do want a flat stomach for people to comment “I want to look like you” then again I don’t think I do. I don’t starve myself to be a size 4, I diet and workout to tone so I feel comfortable so I can wear low cut trousers without my hips looking like little tattooed muffins. However, I understand what she’s saying, she is the author of HARRY POTTER and all that woman can mention is her weight. But that is just one woman I’m sure that’s not the only comment she got all night. It is almost a conversation starter, an ice breaker “Have you lost weight?” and it’s not just aimed at women anymore, people aren’t intending to be harsh and if someone is trying to diet it’s nice to mention right? Well I think so anyway. And I don’t really like being told that because I want to loose weight that I’m empty headed and earning my living by not using my brain. That to me comes across as really egotistical. Why should you have to be a certain weight to be taken seriously. People earn their living by gaining weight so why is that okay but being a size 6 isn’t and I also why can’t I run a business and diet. I’m not obsessed but if it makes me comfortable, doesn’t affect my health (physical and mental) then I don’t see the issue. I’m not telling anyone to look like me, look how you want to look. If that means you want to be thin, then be thin. Do what you want. Be healthy, don’t deprive yourself of certain foods but do what makes you happy, as long as you’re not hurting anyone in the process.

Saying that I do strongly agree with the first part of what she said “is being fat really the worst a human being can be?”. I worry so much about being overweight where I should worry more about my mental health and the stress I’m putting on myself to be thinner.

I know I keep going on. Making the same point just in different ways but I am trying to accept myself and it doesn’t just happen over night. I’m fixing the way I view myself and it is a process that I am annoyingly talking you through. Body confidence is something that I’m working on. Some people will say “you’re so skinny! You don’t need to lose weight!” and this is what makes me realize that I don’t want to look different for the adoration of others. I would feel more comfortable. Yes I grew up in a society where it was considered more beautiful to have a flat stomach rather than rolls. But I have grown up, along with many others, to realize that size doesn’t matter. Fat doesn’t determine beauty or kindness. You decide your own self-worth.

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