I’m writing this on a ‘fat day’.
Yesterday I posted a picture on instagram with the caption ‘black and white to make me look skinny’ that isn’t good really is it? I was getting dressed today and just feel really chubby, wobbly and untoned. I know I’m not fat but I find it more and more difficult to lose weight. Maybe it’s as I get older that my metabolism is slowing down or I’m not sure but I am finding it harder to lose weight. Saying that I am, slowly, but it’s just not as much as I would like to be seeing. I have to accept that I will never be a fitness Model, one of those women on instagram that ‘lift’ and look good in any clothes. But it is the first time in forever really that I have told myself not to buy a bikini. That I will look horrible and I hate my stomach and any shred of self-confidence I have, just diminishes. That’s crazy, if it were anyone else I would tell them to wear whatever they wanted and love themselves but on certain days I just can’t do that to myself.
I was talking to my sister the other day. That makes it sound like I don’t talk to her, I do. Anyway, she was talking about a guy that she listens to on Spotify, I am never going to remember his name so let’s call him Chris. Chris calls out certain gym models for taking steroids (have no clue if they do or not) and therefore promote an unrealistic body type. He also mentions how they only choose a certain body type. To me though this isn’t only a fitness model error, it’s a modeling issue. I don’t want to say error because I am in two mindsets about it. 1. You think of models of tall, beautiful and graceful being a size 20 or a size 8. On the other hand there lies my problem. You either have to be plus size or a size 8 and 5’9 with a certain body shape. Models are there to make your products look good which I understand. However, that is subtly saying being between a size 8 and 18 is not desired. Being under a size 8 is considered unhealthy just as being over an 18 is too. I understand the difficulty the modeling industry must have with showing diversity and they have come a long way they really have. ASOS for one have stopped air brushing their models. Leaving stretch marks and cellulite, equally many other fashion websites and campaigns have done so too. In the main scale of things this seems quite small but it has made such an impact. What I would really like to see is unlabeled models. Real people as it were. Yes having a 5’9 size 8 but then having a pair of jeans on a 5’5 size 12 and then having a 6 foot woman who is a size 16 without her clothing being exclusively plus size. Certain clothing does suit certain body types more and I know this, but not seeing a size 10 in the jeans I like makes me question whether to buy them. Or I do just buy them and then get really hard on myself that they don’t look the same on me as they do on the model. I think having different shape models promoting clothes for everyone without being categorized is a good way to go. Again I don’t know enough about the fashion/modeling industry to say “They are wrong and this is how it should be done because I am great and know everything”, but I’m just putting my viewpoints out there. If anyone is interested in my incessant waffle.
I relate a lot to Vicky Pattinson. I feel as though I have a similar body shape to hers and I feel the health goals she promotes are achievable. Fitness isn’t her job but it’s a part of her lifestyle so she doesn’t seem to get weighed down by the stress of losing weight. It doesn’t seem impossible to look a certain way.
I am not blaming anyone for my body complex, I’m just a little tubby crybaby and I’m having a moan. I feel pressure from social media, which is why body positivity is so important. I like sports wear to be honest, just wear baggy t-shirts to cover up my belly. This is what I want to irradicate and I honestly think that in order for me to see the results I want, I need hard work and I’m stupidly lazy. So I only have myself to blame. I’m happy with being an 8-10. I even don’t mind being a little soft. But I don’t like being un-toned. This isn’t anyone’s fault but my own. It shows how my body confidence has improved but I still have these days where I just want to cry. I need to stop complaining and focus on the long term result rather than the short term and I’ll get there, it might take longer than I wanted but I’ll achieve my goals eventually.